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How to love well
3 suggestions from Marcus Aurelius
Brittany Polat
February 01, 2025
February is the perfect month to pause and remember one of the best things about having a healthy mind and spirit: being able to deeply love the people in our lives.
There are various ways to think about love, of course, and there are many different definitions and types of love. But all of them—romantic love, friendship, humanitarian love—depend on having a loving spirit. Love is an attitude we can cultivate within ourselves.
In Stoicism we recognize that we can’t control what other people do, but we can always control what mindset we bring to our thoughts and activities. So instead of worrying about whether other people love us back, let’s focus on how to love well. We will benefit from having a loving spirit, and we will also increase the likelihood of other people returning our affection.
Let’s look at three quotes from Marcus Aurelius that can help us cultivate a loving spirit, Stoic-style.
Love sincerely.
Adapt yourself to the circumstances in which your lot has cast you; and love these people among whom your lot has fallen, but love them in all sincerity.
You'll notice Marcus is not talking about some kind of abstract or theoretical love here. He says, “Love these people among whom your lot has fallen,” the people that you happen to be with in your life. Maybe you didn't choose to be with some of these people, and maybe you wouldn't choose to be with them if you had a choice. But you are with them, so it's up to you to make the best of that situation and love them to the best of your ability.
Find the good in others.
When you want to gladden your heart, think of the good qualities of those around you; the energy of one, for instance, the modesty of another, the generosity of a third, and some other quality in another. For there is nothing more heartening than the images of the virtues shining forth in the characters of those around us, and assembled together, so far as possible, in close array. So be sure to keep them ever at hand.
The people in your life may not be perfect, but you can love them for who they are (rather than being disappointed by what they are not). Make time to think about their good qualities.
Don’t expect a reward.
A wise person, after doing a good deed, does not shout about it, but passes straight on to the next one, as the vine yields a new cluster of grapes when the season comes around.
We sometimes see love as a tit-for-tat exchange, only wanting to love someone if we know they love us in return. But the Stoics tell us that love flows naturally from the human heart—we are made to be affectionate. Just as grape vines produce grapes, so a loving heart will produce love.
Of course we all want affection, and it’s only natural to seek love from those who we love. But if we hold back our love from others due to a fear of rejection or disappointment, we may find our opportunities for love very limited. Try to enjoy the experience of loving simply because it’s the fruit of a healthy and happy heart. You might find that you inspire others to love as well.